Tuesday, February 18, 2014

My Undoing

I was raised in a culture of doing, of pulling-up-by-the-bootstraps duty obedience, of making sure everything looks squeaky clean, of proving by your works your good name.
And this.  This is my undoing, the love of God.
We'd sit in judgment of what was right and good.  Those 'other' Christians, well, maybe they weren't Christians because they had the liberty to wear what they wanted, listen to what they wanted, and to eat and drink what they wanted.
And this, this is my undoing, the love of God.
I'd pray, desperate that God would accept me and that my salvation was real because some days it didn't feel real.  I had trouble with the 'rules'.   I'd fall into self condemnation and comparison of my own inadequacies to others to either prove I was okay(my own pride), or condemnation of others (also pride) so that I could prove I was better.
And this, this is my undoing, the love of God.
Is it possible one can live with the wrong heart attitude for such a huge portion of their life?
Is obedience, yes, is the very best way to show that we believe?  
I dare not say that obedience is not proof of belief unless there is a heart motivation that backs up that obedience.  A love that burns fire, and sears love for the neighbor, and love for God on the life.  Obedience can be duty, but it is so much more than that.  
And this, this is my undoing, the love of God.
For those who think 'they have it right' and 'they've got a corner on what is good and true' and 'this kind of music is the only kind of music acceptable to a believer', I no longer can claim any of this.
The old tradition has no power to save.  It speaks no peace or rest over the life of someone that sees life as perfunctory 'rules'.  
And this, this is my undoing, the love of God. 
 I've been given a life that God sees through the lens of His Son.  He doesn't see 'Lisa, who just lost her temper', or 'Lisa, who is a helpless sinner'.  He sees Lisa who He has put in His family, loved, given a name, given a place.  Lisa, who is welcomed and given an inheritance.  He doesn't despise this Lisa because He doesn't see His Son as despised.  
And this, this is my undoing, this love of God.
And for the love of God, I will be undone and changed.

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